Title it what you will

I realised something as church ended this morning; I may be loved but I am not understood.  I actually have no idea why I continue to attend a church service week after week; I never receive what I really need and frankly most of this church and righteousness stuff complicates my life as much as it simplifies it.

I am lonely and long for a woman I can romance but it is becoming increasingly clear that I will probably never find such a woman in any church anywhere.  I can never hold someone's attention long enough to really get her attention and the last one I really made an attempt for rejected me with such force that, well I can not convey the level of forcefulness without being accused of slander.

I am wired in such a way that my response to preaching is often worship.  I do not need the worship warm me up, in fact I find it annoying.  However I can feel like I could sit in the sanctuary and worship for days after a good message. The problem is that everyone else just wants to leave; I find the endless chatter in sanctuary after a message as rude as a worship leader would find endless chatter during the worship time.

I long to be understood and frankly have to be very gracious towards others with regards to love. It is hard to feel loved when you do not feel understood. Do not misunderstand me, I am not saying I am unloved, but what I am saying is that I am not understood and therefore can have a hard time feeling loved.

I seem to attract emotional people and that may be because I have been so severely punished for demonstrating emotion, positive or negative, that I can not. But they sense I would like like to.

I do not shy away from hard topics and thoughts. Read this blog and that becomes abundantly clear but I also know that that alienates me from others. People like the life of the party and not the heavy, but I am the heavy. I made a commitment to be an inch wide and a mile deep many years ago but I have found few can appreciate someone like that because people do not like having to face the deeper and darker realities, but that may also be what God has called me to - after all I was debating theologians and writing essays on euthanasia when I was 13.

I guess the point of all this is that, for better or worse, this blog is the closest thing I have to understanding.  I post my thoughts and the deafening silence reminds me that people do not understand me, but at least I have expressed myself and no longer feel like I might explode.

I would also like to add that for some funny reason the last two paragraphs, in draft mode only, are inexplicibly in the largest size Blogger offers. I mention this because maybe there is some cosmic purpose to it.